The time we had the most miserable, unsuccessful trip to the apple orchard.

I really wanted to go to a pumpkin patch this year.

Every year, I say that I’m gonna go and it’s gonna be awesome and cute and I’m gonna get a bunch of pumpkins for the house and it never happens. But this year was gonna be my year and the weather Saturday was the perfect day for a perfect Jeep ride up the mountain to pick out the perfect pumpkins and we would take our perfect dogs and be the happiest little perfect family enjoying some perfect Fall time together.

Not.

I should probably tell you that Cory has really been struggling with frustration with Hampton since we got home from Rwanda because Hampton is suffering some major separation anxiety from me and peeing on everything and tearing things up and generally acting like a weirdy.

So back to the story…we woke up a little later than intended but we were ready to go around 10:00 when I dropped the bomb that I wanted to take the dogs with us, much to Cory’s dismay. I thought they would enjoy the Jeep ride {they’ve never ridden in the Jeep and they love car rides and they like to stick their heads out the window and it would be good to get them out of the house} but first we had to stop by Petsmart to get them a safety harness because I didn’t think their regular harnesses were safe enough. Cory doesn’t like taking the dogs anywhere. Like the good husband he is, he gave in and didn’t say a word when we spent $50 on the harnesses and took them anyway.

When we got back to the house to pick the dogs up, Hampton had gotten into the bathroom and shredded everything in the trash. Again, like the good husband, Cory gritted his teeth and kept his cool, then helped me load the dogs up and get them tied in, and we were finally ready to start the ONE hour drive to the apple orchard.

I was thrilled to finally get to the APPLE ORCHARD to get PUMPKINS {which I haven’t exactly explained to Cory at this point}. So we get about three miles down the road and Cory says he’s gonna stop to put on his hoodie and he realizes the Jeep is running hot. In an old Jeep like ours, that’s not that uncommon and normally he can stop for a few minutes, let it cool down and it’s good to go. After a few minutes, we took off and drove for another five or so miles but the Jeep still hadn’t cooled down. So we stopped again, put some water in it, waited, and took off again hoping in a few miles it would start cooling off because adding water almost always helps it cool back down. Well, two hours and probably 40 miles later, the Jeep was still running hot and we were stopping every five miles or so to let the boiling water cool down and we were still about 30 minutes from the apple orchard. To get pumpkins , mind you.

At this point, Cory is boiling much like the Jeep’s radiator and is straining to keep the day nice for me. We stopped at a gas station to let the dogs do their business while Cory went in to buy some antifreeze to replace what we had left on the ground along the way. I let Hampton do his thing first and then put him back on the leash in the Jeep while I walked Einstein. I turned to see Hampton writhing out of his clearly useless new harness and running across the parking lot. As I wrestled with both overweight wiggly dogs, trying to get them safely into the Jeep and harnessed , a group of men stood and spit tobacco while watching me struggle until Cory came back outside.

Two cool-down stops later, we stopped at a roadside stand called Burly Bill’s BBQ {you can’t make these things up!} to have some pulled-pork barbecue while we waited for the Jeep to cool for the umpteenth time. Seemingly by magic, the temperamental Jeep decided it was fine and ran at a normal temperature all the way to the pumpkin pa–I mean, apple orchard.

The aptly-named Sky Top Orchard is on the tip-top of a mountain, and we were clearly not the only ones to have the idea to head up there on a beautiful Saturday–traffic was crawling, backed up all the way down the mountain. There was literally smoke coming from the Jeep’s clutch as Cory struggled not to roll back into the ridiculously-nice Lexus which was apparently attempting to ride in the back with the dogs. We finally got into a parking spot and started to get the dogs out. Cory was just beginning to calm down a little and was walking towards the entrance with Hampton when Hampton decided that I was too far away {separation anxiety, remember?} and flipped out, wriggling out of his harness and running down the road towards me. Cory hit his boiling point and angrily grabbed Hampton, wrestling him back into his {old} harness like a WWE Grudge Match. By now, I was losing my cool with Cory’s attitude and told him I didn’t want to be there with him acting that way and we could just leave. Having invested almost three hours and gallons of antifreeze and water into getting here, Cory was not about to leave until I had gotten some pumpkins.

At the apple orchard.

We switched dogs and found our way into the entrance, completely lost as to where to go or how to get there, knowing only that we didn’t want any part of the 2.3 mile line at the front door, especially since we had no idea what the line was even for. Predictably, lots of other families thought it would be a great idea to bring their dogs. Einstein and Hampton wasted no opportunity to growl and bark at every passing dog like rabid maniacs, with Cory barking at them to shut up. We passed about twenty sad little lumpy pumpkins on a tarp on our way in, but I was determined to find me a pumpkin patch in this place and walk amongst all the cute pumpkins and get some lovely photos of the family enjoying their afternoon. Cory asked about getting some baskets and picking some apples since we were at the orchard. It was at this point that I dropped the bomb on him that I had no interest in picking apples here at the Sky Top Apple Orchard. In disbelief, Cory quietly asked in a small voice, “then why are we here?” and I thought maybe it was a good time to go inquire about some apple baskets so we could pick some apples.

Obeying the “No Dogs In Shed” sign, Cory stayed outside with two wiggling, barking dogs as I went inside to find that the 2.3 mile line we had elected to stay out of was, in fact, the line to get baskets and wagons. So no apple picking for the Sloans. Determined to salvage the trip, I went back out to the boys and led them on a walk through the orchards, holding on to hope that we could get some super-cute photos and maybe, just maybe, find a pumpkin patch.

Avoiding all families with dogs and ESPECIALLY the sheep and goats at the petting zoo, we made our way to the top of the hill where I was guaranteed a scenic background and at least ONE cute family picture for the blog. Just as we came into the clearing and I said something like “ooo that’s pretty!” a guy with a golden retriever came around the corner and the dogs flipped their lids. While Cory was on the ground in a wrestling match with the dogs while they growled and barked, and everyone was turning to see what the commotion was, a guy asked if I would like a picture taken of us with the dogs with the scenic background. A generous request with atrocious timing, I thought, as Cory yelled “NOT NOW!” and the poor fellow scurried away. As if on cue, a lady with a miniature poodle came around the same corner, making our dogs ignite into Attack Mode, and instead of moving along and allowing our dogs to calm down, she STOPPED IN FRONT OF US, made her dog DO A TRICK, and then gave us a little “Hm” with a head toss before she walked away.

It was at this point that Cory reached critical mass.

It was just too much for him to handle, what with the stubborn ‘ole Jeep, no pumpkins, and terribly-behaved dogs. It was as I watched Cory engage in a physical battle with Hampton, who had pulled yet another Houdini and escaped from his harness AGAIN, growling to Hampton that he hated him, that I finally hit my limit. I told Cory it was time to go. We were almost back to the front when I realized that Cory and Einstein weren’t with Hampton and I. I turned back to see Cory far behind, unhappily carrying a bagful of Einstein’s poop. We silently made our way to the gate– Hampton happily trotting beside me, Einstein huffing and puffing from the physical exertion of walking uphill, and Cory carrying a bag of turds.

As we walked back to the car, Cory meekly asked “Are you mad at me?” I broke my own rule and told him, “Yes. I am so over this day.” He asked if I wanted to look at their pumpkins and I didn’t even bother to respond. When we got back to the car, Cory had cooled down enough to realize that perhaps his attitude had not been the most positive one and he apologized for ruining the afternoon by losing his temper.

It was on the long road down the mountain {during which the Jeep never overheated a single time!} that we fully realized that both of the dogs absolutely hated riding in the Jeep. I guess it was too much noise and too much wind, but clearly we had the two most miserable dogs in South Carolina on our way back home. About three miles from our house Cory noticed a little farm with a corn maze and a couple other attractions that had a big sign out by the road:

PUMPKINS $1.00 EACH.

I could almost hear his teeth grinding as we drove past.

So it would appear that not every opportunity for cute family pictures in a scenic location with seasonal fun is always a good idea. Maybe it was timing, maybe it was fate. Either way, Most Unsuccessful Orchard Trip Award 2014 goes to the Sloan Family.

Despite our awful day, we got home and had a birthday dinner for Matt’s 30th birthday. Jessica and Matt have Hampton’s dad, Denver, so they completely can relate to the troubles we had and by the end of the night, we were able to laugh off the day!

this post is linked with biana